The Song

As most of you know, I work as a 911 Dispatcher. Arguably one of the hardest professions due to the often upsetting nature of the calls. I think anyone in this line of work has to be strong emotionally but also very empathetic. This being said, I do not rattle easily. I very rarely cry for any reason whatsoever to the point I often wonder if I am emotionally vacant. But I guess every person has their breaking point. This was mine...



I was at work a few nights ago. We had CNN playing on the TV in the background as usual. It was a particularly slow moment so I was quietly looking through some things on my computer. Then I hear this song....

This particular song is one that I had never heard in my life until the day before Brody passed away. It fit every aspect of my emotions at the time. Enough so that we used it as part of his slide-show video to be used at his funeral. I listened to this song a few times shortly thereafter but I'm not sure I have listened to it in a years time....

That's when I realized that this commercial on TV was playing THAT SONG. My Brody's song. And like nothing I have encountered in the 18 mo since his death.... It brought it ALL back! The 4 yrs of his life. His sweet face and his determination to overcome life's struggles... to the day we performed CPR on him ... to have him be revived only to have to discontinue life support some 30 days later.

As I sat there at work, I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut. I quickly blew it off and carried on without saying a word or shedding a tear, but I have to say-- it hurt. A LOT!!! Like nothing I have experienced since his death. I guess subtle reminders are to be expected but I was shocked at how it struck me. I think maybe I've tried to suppress some things and to be so strong emotionally that I might have forgotten how it all felt during the final days of his life.

And as that song broke the silence, it all came rushing back. If only for a moment, I remembered exactly who I am and what my family has overcome. I was reminded of the moments and circumstances that made me who I am today. There is a plaque above the fireplace in my home that reads "because I knew you I have been changed for good".



I am eternally grateful to my sweet angel Brody for being such an inspiration to so many people and for all that he has helped me to become. I love you, buddy! And as the song says "I miss you"

Expensive Shoes

Last Saturday, Joss called me at work to inform me that he was taking Kaybri to the ER. Of course this startled me but I was confused when he started laughing. Evidentally she had shoved a Barbie shoe up her nose and couldn't retrieve it. Joss had tried with tweezers and couldn't get it. Kaybri was quite upset and so Joss made me talk to her to calm her down. They went to the ER and got it pulled out. Kind of funny but that is turning out to be one EXPENSIVE shoe.

Elk Hunt

Saturday, we got to go on the mountain for Tandi's elk hunt. Kaybri started out the day pretty rough. She was quite tired and just not herself. Having sick kids while camping is the pits! But as the day went on, she started to come around more and more. I didn't get a chance to go out hiking at all (which sucks because I was REALLY looking forward to it) but just getting out in the mountain air, eating dinner next to the campfire and gazing at all those stars was good enough for me! Kaybri had fun. Thats all that matters....
Kaybri striking a pose on the "bridge" (log over a dried up creek bed)

Killing time at camp in the heat of the day

My cute little girl

Me and Kaybri cheesing it (I should've deleted this one. Not flattering at all....)

Joss and Kaybri resting up. (Isn't he the moodiest looking thing?!)

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**AND NO, TANDI HAS NOT GOTTEN HER BIG BULL.. AT LEAST NOT YET!

Blah Blah Blah... (never anything new to blog)

Oh, how I have neglected my blog....

I just don't know that I have that much going on in my life right now. We've had a lot of family reunions lately. Nothing to report there. Just a bunch of people with cameras. Everybody hugging everybody. You know how it is!

This morning, I was told that my great grandma passed away in her sleep. She was 91 yrs old and what a way to go! I will miss her so much but if anybody deserved such a peaceful passing, it was her!

Joss has just been working like a mad man. I can't believe that a year ago we had tens of thousands of dollars we owed for Brody's medical bills. Now we are through the majority of them and almost back up on our feet.

Kaybri has been a joy. Always learning new things. And she is SO sassy. I love it.... I feel really guilty because where Joss and I are both working nights now, she splits her week between Grandma Lori and Grandma Lisha (Joss' mom and my mom). I wish I could spend more time with her, but she doesn't mind a bit. In fact, she'd rather be at Grandma's anyday.
As for me, I've just been busy with work and I'm loving it. Most everybody I work with (dispatchers and officers) are awesome and a lot of fun to work with.

So there you have it, nothing much going on! I can tell you this: Joss and I are in the market for a serious vacation! So if anybody is interested in going to Cancun for a week, just let me know. lol. yeah right. Did I say Cancun? I meant St George! Like I could afford a week in Mexico! ;)

4th of July

We spent the first half of our day with family doing the BBQ thing. Steak, baked beans, loaded taters... Mmmm. From there, I left to go to work. It has been quite busy but nothing the group of us can't handle. Joss and Kaybri went to the parade, the rodeo and the fireworks. Joss is exhausted but I'm sure he and Kaybri had a great day together. He is also quite the guy for taking Kaybri out to the movie last night. Just the two of them--Ice Age 3. She talked about it all day and begged him to take her back. She's had so much excitement the past few days, she might sleep for a week (I know Joss and I will).

Hope everyone had a great 4th!!

We've Moved

So the past weekend we moved across town. Its a bigger house and its not right on the main road. I'm not quite sure what to do with all the space. I have been trying to unpack through the week and I'm finding that I can't fill all the cupboards. That's kind of a nice change. But I'm sure that it will be short-lived. Also, my little sister, Kelsie, is staying with us for a while. Just until school starts in the fall. Even with her and all her stuff, we still have quite a bit of room. Its kind of a nice change having so much space.

Joss and I have both been working nights so Kaybri has been spending a lot of time with grandparents. She loves it but we always feel bad pawning her off. Plus, by the time I'm off nights (after Thanksgiving) our family is going to be so worn out from watching her. She is 2 scoops, that's for sure!! I do have to say that I am loving her new found obsession with puzzles. Its no big deal for her to sit down with a 100 piece puzzle and have it put together in 45 minutes. It amazes me. I often sit down with her to do them and she will take the pieces from me and put them where they need to go. She kind of makes Joss and I look stupid, but that's okay. We don't mind her being the smart one! ;)

Other than that... Same old, same old! We just work and sleep. Boring, I know!!

Happy Birthday Brody Joss!!!

Our Schubby Buddy would have celebrated his 5th birthday today. We could not let the day pass without honoring him in some way. We spent some time at the cemetery each writing a message on a balloon and then releasing them to Heaven. We also had some cupcakes and just took a moment to reflect on the sweet memory of our Angel Boy.

We love and miss you so much, Brody! You are in our thoughts, prayers and every aspect of our daily lives. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Dearest Brody...

Our Dearest Brody,
Its been nearly one year since we said goodbye to you. By far the hardest thing we have ever done and may possibly ever do. We miss you terribly and think about you often. Occasionally I can still see you lying there on the living room floor--cross legged, watching Cars and munching on Fruit Loops. I can still hear your laughter. That sweet infectious laughter. I remember your cute stubby fingers and those tiny little feet. I remember when you first fell in love with M&M's--a love that only grew stronger in time. I remember mixing those M&M's in your potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner so we could get you to show any interest in eating. I remember when you learned to crawl. It was short lived but it was an incredible triumph! I remember how you loved "peek-a-boo" when you were little. I remember how well behaved you were on those long car rides back and forth to Primary Children's. I can still see you "dancing" in the back seat along with the beat of the music. I remember how much you loved to swim. How much you loved your puppies. How much you loved your sippy cup. How much you loved your family. How much strength and determination you had in everything you did. And I remember how hard it was to lose you.... and how hard it continues to be. Brody, thank you for blessing our lives for those 4 short years. Your memory and legacy will live on forever. You have touched more hearts in 4 years than most people do in a lifetime. Because I knew you, I have been changed for good. We love you and miss you! Until we meet again....

Love,
Mom, Dad and Kaybri Jo

Karen Harwood

Last week, Joss grandmother died after decades of battle against MS. We are saddened to see her go but are glad she is no longer in pain. Although I never had much of an opportunity to get to know her, I can say this--she was an amazing woman with a great outlook on life. She never complained and always saw the good in everything and everyone. She is truly one of heaven's angels and will be missed.

Easter

Easter was pretty good this year. We made it a point not to overdo it with Kaybri's Easter basket. She has plenty of everything. I wasn't even sure what else she could possible need or want so she got a bunch of candy, a book, and a dress. Good enough!! She loved it. Easter Sunday I had to work but did get to spend the morning with Joss and Kaybri. Then they went to Joss' parents house for dinner.

That weekend I had the opportunity to go to Little Sahara Sand Dunes for work. Let me tell ya... it was crazy out there. 35,000 people stuffed into a campground for Spring Break. The work wasn't too chaotic, luckily. But I sure felt bad for the greatly outnumbered officers out there.

In other news, Brody's headstone was put in a couple weeks ago. It turned out really nice I think. (I have pics but I'll have to post them later.... Sorry)

For Joss, work has been hit and miss. Mostly hit, thank goodness! But everyday is a little stressful since they have been doing so many lay-offs. Nobody's job is safe at this point. We just hold our breath and hope for the best.

Kaybri has been especially well behaved lately. (Its been a little weird to be honest) She has been very polite and good to help out around the house. I hate to think that she is growing up. Also, she has found a new hobby--puzzles. She absolutely loves them. She has about 8 of them that consist of 24 pieces. She'll dump them all out in a pile together and sort through all the puzzles in about 30 minutes. Not too shabby.

Other than that, nothing new! Hope everyone had a good Easter and is enjoying the slightly warmer weather.

Looking Back...

Its been nearly one year since the most horrific day of my life. Not the day Brody passed away peacefully at home, but the day Joss and I performed CPR on Brody in full arrest some 100 miles from home. I couldn't help but pull up the post from that day....
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Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Horror
Yesterday was the most horrific and traumatic day of our lives. The events keep replaying in our minds. Haunting us. Tormenting us. We had been at Primary's for a regular check-up. On the way home, we stopped in Provo to get some food to go. I went into Cafe Rio and when I came out, I could hear Joss' piercing screams. I ran to his side to find that Brody had apparently began choking. He tried to suction and couldn't get into his trachea. He immediately pulled Brody from the car and layed him on the snowy asphalt to do an emergency trach change. The trach went in briefly and came back out. We called 911 and worked together to do CPR the best we could. He went into full arrest. We worked on his lifeless blue body desperately. No heart beat, no breaths for upwards of 7 minutes before he was finally revived by paramedics at Utah Valley Hospital. He was soon transported by air back to Primary's. We were sure he wouldn't survive the flight. We contacted our families to come say goodbye. But when we arrived in the PICU, he was semi-conscious and fighting for life. There is much trauma to his body and only time will tell what his neurological state is. All we can do is PRAY!
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.... The days that followed showed some short-lived improvement up until May 12 when we confronted the medical staff as to why they were dodging our questions of dialysis. It was then that they told us he just wasn't a good candidate because his future was so uncertain anyway. And, well, you all know how the story ends.

The next few weeks might be rough for us. A time of painful memories and "what-if"s. But if given the opportunity to raise Brody all over again, I wouldn't hesitate. He made us who we are today and for that we are forever indebted to our little Brody Kazody ... our Angel Boy.

Photo Recovery

I've been trying to retrieve my photos from my memory card that was erased. I don't want to praise this program too highly as I have not finished the whole process but tonight I was able to preview the photos that the program was able to retrieve. Nearly 500 things between pix and flix! I am so happy! I never thought I'd see them again. I'm not sure how much this is going to end up costing me as I did not complete the purchase of the license agreement yet. But when I do, I will be sure to let everyone know. Whatever the cost, it will be worth it!! ....

http://www.cardrecovery.com

DONATIONS!

What do you get when you combine 200 blankets with 400 books, 125 hand-crafted journals, 150 hygiene kits, 50,000 pop tabs and a large assortment of toys, games and craft supplies? ......


ONE AWESOME DONATION!! (And Kaybri was such a big helper getting it all organized!)

Over 150 Hygiene kits for parents staying at Ronald McDonald House while their children are in-patient at Primary's

Don't be fooled! Looks are deceiving--There are approximately 50,000 pop tabs here for Ronald McDonald House Charities!

A look inside one of the 40 bags stuffed for Gunnison Valley Hospital. Each one has a blanket, book and small toy for the sick kids staying there.

Just a few of the adorable hand-crafted journals that will go to the parents at Primary's to record there thoughts and keep track of doctors instructions. (These were SO fun and even with 125+, there are no two alike!)

The biggest question now is how in the world are we going to manage to get all of this delivered in one trip? We'll have to manage. Tomorrow is the big day! (And just a hair under 2 months later than originally planned--Alright! Go me! Nothing like procrastination!)

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*SPECIAL THANKS TO JOSS' FAMILY FOR ALL THEIR HARD WORK IN ORGANIZATION AND DELIVERY. THANKS TO BOTH MINE AND JOSS' FAMILY AND ALL OUR WONDERFUL FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS FOR THEIR SELFLESS CONTRIBUTIONS! THANK YOU!!

Fingers Crossed

Last night we went shopping in Ephraim (Its further to drive but sometimes its nice not to have to stop and visit with ten different people you know while you are just trying to get your dang groceries and get out alive!!). As we passed the Manti temple, Kaybri started telling us that Brody and Jesus live there and that they want her to visit them in her white dress. It was so sweet. When we got home she asked if we could go to the temple tomorrow. I told her that we couldn't go tomorrow and she started crying. "I just want to go see Brody. He feels all better now and I want him to come home with me. I miss him so much and I want to give him loves!" I felt so sad watching her cry for him. It has become apparent that his death has affected her greatly. I often wonder if she suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I've read into it and I really think she might have it. However, what do you do? Its kind of difficult to seek out emotional therapy for a three year old. They don't really know how to talk about their feelings. So, we'll just work with her and hopefully help her to overcome these afflictions.

On a positive note, we have some of the best friends in the world! A huge thank you to the Hallidays for working so hard to help us retrieve our pictures from my memory card. They have found a computer program that claims to be able to retrieve anything that has ever been on your memory card. They tested it out on theirs and it worked. So I have ordered a USB adapter for my card to connect to the computer. As soon as it gets here, we will put the program to the ultimate test. If it works, I will owe Tanya and Trent SO BIG!!! So keep your fingers crossed and wish us luck!!

Lost Memories

So a couple weeks ago, a friend of ours was messing around on our computer and suddenly a virus popped up and the computer crashed. Luckily our landlord runs a computer repair business part time. We took it to him and he said he didn't know how much of our stuff he could save from it. The only thing at all I would have wanted was some pics of Brody and Kaybri I had saved to the computer, but I had them on my phone on a memory card so it wasn't a big deal. Well, we got our computer back last night, but about an hour before he showed up with it, my phone's memory card was suddenly and completely wiped out. Meaning that I lost nearly 500 pictures and almost 200 video flix. And to our misfortune, those pictures weren't salvageable from the computer either. They are just gone. All those memories of Brody and Kaybri from years past. They are just gone! Its really devastating!
Joss and other family are going to compile a bunch of pics they have gathered over the years in an attempt to restore part of what we've lost forever. Anybody who might have a pic of my kids, if you wouldn't mind sending it to me, I'd be really grateful. And I'm not going to take a chance on having only one form of backup from now on!!

Quick Update

Just a quick update for everyone. Things have been going well for us. 2009 has started out MUCH better than last year. Last year, Joss' grandfather passed away New Years Eve and New Years Day we woke up to Brody in distress and went for a ride to the ER. Treat and release thank heavens. Anyway, the year is going well so far. Our computer has been having issues so I will update again as soon as I can. Thanks to all our readers who continue to check in regularly even though they know I lack the ambition to update as often as I should.

Busy Season

I've been so busy I haven't posted anything in weeks. So far our holiday is going pretty well. Its been difficult not having Brody around but we are doing what we can to keep his memory alive. We actually put one of those 6 ft tree lawn ornaments on Brody's grave. Over the top? Maybe, but thats okay.
Here we are less than a week from Christmas and I have barely even started my Christmas shopping. I'm off work today so maybe I better get on it!! Thats the one thing I hate about Christmas. I hate that I have to spend so much for it to be a "good" Christmas.
In other happenings... Trista and Scott were married last Saturday. It was a nice ceremony and the reception went well. However, it snowed like MAD!!! It was a scary drive but it was worth it to see those two so happy! :)

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!

Yep, We're Still Here

We've been a little slow at updating the blog or checking emails or returning phone calls... No worries! We're still kickin! We've just been busy....
Joss' employer had to do layoffs (I'm afraid its becoming a trend in our area) and he was lucky enough to keep his job, but now he has been working a different schedule and has been really wary to slip up. I'm not sure what we'd do if he were to lose his job. I don't even want to think about it!
Kaybri has been busy with her new singing class. Its been nice to get her out with a big group of girls her age since she doesn't have anyone her age at home anymore. Between singing and daycare, she stays pretty busy and, might I add, pretty sassy. I guess that's to be expected with a 3 year old girl, right?
As for me, just work. That's enough to keep me busy. I always forget how mind consuming a new job is. You never just clock out and leave. You replay the day through your head and critique yourself on everything. I've been there two months and I have several more months of training. Bring on the hysteria. I'm bound to lose my mind before its all done but it will definitely be worth it! :)
In other news, my sister Kelsie tied the knot on the 14th. The wedding turned out really nice. Especially the luncheon that followed (always my favorite part). They had a head table where people toasted the newlyweds and they served us our meal and pushed around a little dessert cart. It was not your typical Utah wedding luncheon. It was really classy. Congratulations to Paul and Kelsie!!!
What else?..... Oh! Twilight! How could I forget?! As immature as this might make me seem, Tandi and I went to Twilight Friday night and stood in the cold for almost an hour before getting in. It was ridiculous but it was worth it. How was it? Not nearly as good as the books, but still good. Worth the frost bite ;)

Six Months Later...

Six months ago today we were busy loading our car with medical supplies, signing Do Not Resuscitate orders and loading Brody in an ambulance bound for home where he was to live out the remainder of his life. As we pulled out of Primary's, the song "I Saw God Today" came on the radio. Joss and I shared a moment of hysterical sobbing as we followed the ambulance which felt more like a hearse that day. We never thought that Brody would only survive 48 hours once we arrived home. Sadly, it was a blessing. He was in SO much pain and was medicated enough that he was semi comatose. He wasn't our Brody.
I was sick and yet relieved to let him go. I remember dry heaving all day. I remember us allowing family to take turns having a private moment with Brody that afternoon just before he passed away. There were lots of prayers and even more tears. I think it was a day that hollowed a lot of us. But Brody's spirit was too big for this cruel world.
Friday marks six months since our Schubby Buddy, left this world behind. Six months that we have been fighting to go on with our lives. Six months of walking into an empty room with an empty bed. A broken clock that idly marks the time of 6:20. No more steady rhythm of an oxygen concentrator or his LTV ventilator. No more TV mounted to the wall playing Cars or Monsters or Spongebob over and over through the night. All that is left of his room is the charity that he has instilled in our hearts. The room is now filled with hundreds of items to be donated to Primary Children's, Ronald McDonald House and Gunnison Valley Hospital. Soon after Thanksgiving, the room will be empty again. But Brody's spirit and example will go on forever in our home. Forever in our hearts.

Tranquil Halloween

Our cute little witch. Kaybri had a good Halloween and got plenty of candy (too much). She went out to trick-or-treat with her Aunt Tandi and Tandi's friend Kandice for a while. After returning, she went out with Aunt Trista and her fiancee Scott. After that, we took a ride to my moms house and Joss' grandparents. It wasn't overly eventful but it was a good evening.