Difficult Days Bring Storms of Tears

This past week has been especially difficult for me. Wednesday marked 6 weeks since Brody died and the day also brought more bad news. We discovered that a family member has a potentially serious illness. Out of respect to this person and at their request, I will not discuss this in any more detail. The following days brought a lot of tears. Tears for Brody. I've found that I can not fight the tears off. I wept like a baby in church a couple weeks ago for no reason whatsoever. Another time I was in Wal Mart and just began to bawl as I stood next to the bath towels. Again, with no association to anything in particular. Yesterday had to be the worst. We were role playing in our Sunday School class (Marriage and Family Relations). We saw the chair that had "Death of a Loved One" posted on it and was careful to avoid that seat. As the role playing went forward, the topic soon turned to loss of a child and all eyes were on Joss and I. We began to cry. Joss stood up and excused himself from the room. I remained there in heavy tears as people talked about us and to us. It was totally harmless and was not meant to be directed at us, but it just went that direction. It was difficult to handle. But I am really appreciative of the members in that class who helped us to let our emotions show. We went straight to the cemetery after church and wept. Kaybri ran around chasing butterflies next to Brody's grave. Thank heavens for her! She helps keep us going. We love her and Brody so much and always will!

Keeping Busy!!

Saturday we had a girls' day. Trista, Lori, Kaybri and I went to Provo to shop. It was such a good time :) Yesterday, Tandi and I went back to Provo. She had missed the previous trip because of work. We took Tandi's new car and she drove. This was her first time ever driving in the city or in an area where the freeway has more than 2 lanes. She did surprisingly well. We did some quick shopping and had lunch then headed back home. I then had to run around gathering papers, making copies and having things notarized so that I could return my 32 page FBI background papers for the potential Dispatcher job. (A huge thank you to all those of you who have agreed to be listed as personal references of mine on that all-important background check!!)... Joss has been super busy with work. The poor guy spent his whole afternoon and evening sleeping on the couch. I'm trying to convince him not to work himself into exhaustion but he is being a little stubborn. He argues that he has to work hard so that he can save up enough to buy a boat in time for next summer (who are we kidding, we'll probably never afford a boat)... Kaybri has been spending the majority of her time at Grandma's house. She loves playing with all the daycare kids. Sunday, after church, we visited the cemetery for a minute and Kaybri was trying to see Brody in the sky (in Heaven). We told her that you can't SEE Brody anymore but you can FEEL him--in your heart! Later in the day, she got really excited and was trying to get Joss' attention. She said "Daddy, Daddy! Brody's in my heart!" It was so cute. I love her sweet innocence and that she refuses to forget about Brody although he is not physically in our presence. However, she was playing in her room alone the other night and she was talking to someone and giggling. When Joss went to investigate, she just looked at him and grinned mischievously. I don't know, perhaps he is still in our presence afterall.

Father's Day

Yesterday we went to Fishlake and rented a fishing boat. We went out on the water for about 3 hours. We had no luck catching any fish but it was sure relaxing anyway. We then left and headed south around Otter Creek Res, through Kingston, past Paiute Res, making our way home. It was a really nice day. Last night, we went to the Manti temple grounds for the Mormon Miracle Pageant with Joss' family. I'm embarrassed to say that this was the first time I've ever been. Its a shame that its only 40 minutes away and I've never been. I really enjoyed it! It was better than I expected. I highly recommend it! Kaybri was a little upset that we didn't get to actually go inside the temple. I promised her we'd take her inside one day real soon... When Joss and I go to seal our family this fall :) Today, we are at Joss' parents' house for dinner. Its been a pretty good weekend. Yesterday marked one month since Brody left us. Its been hard but we are getting by. Thank heavens for our family, friends and our faith. We are grateful to have them all in our lives.

Normal People Doing Normal Things

Nothing exciting--No health updates or stories of midnight life flight. Just stories of normal people doing normal people things. We went camping at Fishlake last weekend with Joss' grandparents, Niles and Glenna. It was fun but COLD. The first time in our new ward Sunday, the first speaker spoke about loss of a loved one and to know better than to blame yourself. The next speaker spoke about sealing your families in the temple. We felt like they were both speaking directly to us. Tuesday, I had testing for this job I am trying to get--a 911 dispatcher. Aptitude and typing tests. I passed and am scheduled to be one of many interviews held next Wednesday. I then went test driving cars with Tandi. She is in the market for something new. Its always fun to get to hot rod someone else's car around. That night, Joss and I had dinner with friends, Jed and Selanie at their house. Our kids played pretty well together. It was a nice evening. Other than that, nothing new. Although we are still busy, it just doesn't feel the same. Its weird to just get up and walk out to the car and drive off. No advanced planning, no medical equipment.... No Brody :( But on the day to day, we are actually doing pretty well. We have more peace and faith than I thought we would. So we just keep hanging on and leaning on each other. As I've always said--One day at a time.

Tag! You're It!

Okay, I've been tagged. Here's how to play the game of tag. Post these rules on your blog. List 3 Joys, 3 Fears, 3 Goals, 3 Current Obsessions/Collections, 3 Random Surprising Fact About Me. Then tag 5 others at the end of your blog by leaving their names.
3 Joys:
Joss--The love of my life. My rock. My protector. My saving grace. My better half. He really does complete me. :)
Brody--My angel. He taught me so much about myself and I miss him SO much.
Kaybri--My little firecracker! Never a dull moment. She keeps me on my toes!
3 Fears:
Failure--I'm afraid one day I'll wake up and wish I'd done things differently.
Heights--I can jump high enough to scare myself. And I hate others being up high too!
New Things--I'm really hesitant to try new things. I think this goes back to my fear of failure.
3 Goals:
Temple--Joss and I have been working toward sealing our family in the temple. We are planning for August but have not set a date. This is my top priority by far!! I only wish we had done it sooner.
Career--I really enjoy working and look forward to returning to the workforce soon. I have a couple great jobs in mind to try for right away. If I don't get these jobs, I will likely return to school and get a degree--maybe in something medically related.
Charity--I fully intend to honor Brody by giving back. I want to do what I can to return thanks to all the hospitals and community groups that have helped us out so much over the years. I've also considered becoming a 911 dispatcher and/or an EMT. I just want to help.
3 Current Obsessions/Collections:
(I don't think this really applies to me. I don't consider myself to be an obsessive person and I really don't collect much--except maybe a little dust around the house)
3 Random Surprising Facts about Me:
Depression--I was quite depressed in high school. I remember contemplating suicide at one point. My depression didn't last long and one day I just realized that I have so much to live for. I look back on it and wonder what the heck could have been running through my mind. Look at all I would've missed.
Wild--I partied a bit in school. Mostly my Junior year. I think this goes hand-in-hand with that bought of depression I mentioned.
Not a Housewife--I know I've been playing the part for years but I'm no Betty Crocker. I don't bake and I don't sew. I have enjoyed being a caregiver for my family, but the rest I could do without. I'd much rather work a 14 hour day than have to bake a bunch of cupcakes for a birthday party. No thank you!!

This is the part where I tag 5 people so I'm going to call out... Kelsie, Nancy, Tanya, Jenn, and Jami and anyone else who would like to participate. Even if you don't have a blog, it would be fun to see your lists as a comment on my blog. :)

Convenience Doesn't Always Make Things Easier

Joss, Kaybri and myself went with friends camping this past weekend. The closest thing to camping that we've done in years is when we stayed in a camp trailer in Primary Children's RV Parking for several weeks last fall. Not exactly my idea of a relaxing vacation. This weekend, we were able to go fishing and four-wheeling. It was really nice to escape the world momentarily. Kaybri caught her first fish and loved it! A HUGE thank you to Joss' parents for giving us their camp trailer as a gift after Brody passed away. Its been a blast so far! We anticipate going again this coming weekend.

Its been really weird to just get up and go somewhere with limited planning. Joss and I are strange because we actually really miss the hospital scene. Joss' sister was a little upset to her stomach last week and we were practically begging her to let us take her to the hospital. Its been such a huge lifestyle change. I guess you can say that things are a little more convenient, but I wouldn't say they are any easier. We miss him so much and think of him constantly. However, we feel like he is with us in many of our daily activities. Even if he's not right by our side physically, we know he is spiritually. And he's always in our hearts and in our prayers.