Last night I was very sad as I started thinking that I might be adjusting to only having one child in the home. Afraid that I was getting used to only dressing one child. Only washing one child's clothes. Only kissing one child goodnight. I hate thinking that I am adapting!! I'd give anything to be up 5x night giving medications or starting the Cars DVD over again. However, this morning as the alarm went off, I began to head for Brody's room to check on him like I used to do each and every morning. I didn't get as far as the hallway when I realized his room is empty. Not a bedroom but more like a shrine of what used to be. The bed and blankets are still on the bed from 7 weeks ago. His wheelchair, pictures, and toys on display around the room. From my bedroom doorway, I quickly realized that I couldn't see that familiar glow of his TV screen from down the hall. Or hear the rhythmic sound of the ventilator. Just cold, dark silence. It was in that moment that I realized that I will never adapt to his absence. And that's okay with me. I've said it before-- if losing the pain means I have to lose the memory, I'll keep the pain forever.
2 comments:
I know how you feel. I never had the experience of having Ava home with us, but the absence of her is still very heavy on my heart. I understand what you mean by "adapting." I question my emotions and actions all of the time. I don't know if I am at peace with everything or still in shock. I did however look through Ava's pictures last night and feel a sense of "comfort" knowing that she is not in pain, that she is happy and in the best place ever...but what I would give just to hold her and kiss her one last time.
I continue to pray for you and your family. Please, if you need anything...to talk to someone who completely understands, don't hesitate to contact me. My e-mail is nateandamy1@yahoo.com
Amy
I know how the holidays are sometimes harder than other days. There are so many people out there that know and don't know you personally who pray for your healing. I hope that you can hold onto your good memories and not worry about the rest. Your baby is looking down on you and he is painfree. I hope you all had a good 4th!!!
Kaci
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